BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

Chairs and Rugs

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rub. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is sufficient.

Doors

Do not allow closed doors in any room at any time. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws (screaming like you're being injured helps too). Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half way in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.

Guests

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can arrange to have the latest brand of Fish 'N Glop on your breath, so much the butter.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select a fabric color which contrasts will with your fur. For example, white furred cats should choose black wool clothing.

For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip of the ankle.

When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey the thought, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here."

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Work

If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping (otherwise know as hampering). Here are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen, and thereby stand the best chance of being stepped on, picked up, and consoled.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eye and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects, curl up quietly on the lap of the knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropping stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a ball of scrap yarn. Ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

Play

This is important. Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch-the-mouse or king-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m.

Humans need to know the basic rules. They cab be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth running household.